Getting Me Back

This has been a week of good days mixed in with the not so good. Sandy Hook ten year date. Small Christmas celebration with my women's group. Hard day with Allie. Thursday night Seahawk game and time in Seattle on Friday. The awful death of tWitch. A rough conversation. Nice housewarming at friend's new home. Another hard day with my mom on Sunday. Laughter and sadness.  Acupuncture, therapist appointment, lots of reading and thinking. I read The Four Agreements . I'll be starting it again soon and wrapping my brain around each of the agreements and what they mean to me. I started What Happened to You written by Oprah and Dr. Perry. It's very good and has several things that resonate with me and I'm only on page 64. Practicing my breathing and being mindful. Pinpointing the trigger or the root of different reactions to events I've had this week. Two opportunities for me to practice a boundary. Setting boundaries when I'm not used to it feels mean and selfis...

The Crown , Season 3 Episode 7 “Moondust” These were my thoughts while watching this episode and then immediately after it was over. It was about two weeks ago that I watched. Hmm. Prince Philip and the landing on the moon. Prince Philip is glued to the tv, watching everything he can about the moon landing. He was jealous of the astronauts, that they had made it to the moon, they had seen it, God’s glory, his wonderful masterpiece. And yet they found nothing. They didn’t seem to appreciate their feat. The Prince wanted them to share with him this wonderful awareness they’d experienced. The answer to life, the purpose, the meaning. The Prince met with them and was saddened to realize there was nothing extraordinary about them (the astronauts). He wanted to know their perspective, their learnings, their discovery of the meaning of life. The astronauts had none of that. They didn’t have the experience Prince Philip so badly wanted them to have - he wanted to live vicariously through them....

I'm on a medical leave from work. It was a tough decision to make  and I had no idea of what to expect during this time. My anxiety and depression and overwhelm were too much and I didn't want to lose it all together one day at work (which felt like it was coming). So with support, I took the leave. If I was on leave because of a physical health medical condition, it would be totally accepted and no one (including me) would bat an eye. But because it's a mental health medical condition, it feels different. Like weakness or crazy or not ok or whatever. Like it has to be secret or hidden, something to be embarrassed about. The public stigma of mental health. So it feels vulnerable for me to share. But whatev, I'm doing it. Taking a risk. Maybe it will help someone who reads this. At the very least, I'm owning it and doing my part to work at ending the stigma. To make it be ok and understood. Mental health is every bit as important and real as any physical health condi...

Mindful. Self-care. Breathe. Trigger. Let it go. Self-talk. Be in the present. You can only control yourself, not others. Get to the root of it. SEL (social emotional learning). Meditate. So many words we've all heard. That I've heard. Be mindful? Ok, cool. Thanks, I'll do that. Be sure to practice self-care! Got it. On top of all the things I have to do and feel overwhelmed with, I'll be sure to take that bubble bath. Breathe . Duh, I breathe all the time. Let it go . Ohhhh, let it go. Ok, yeah, I'll do that. Teaching SEL to students is so important . Check (never mind that I don't really get how to do so). Get to the root of why you feel the way you do, discover where that's coming from. Yeah, I know where it's coming from, from shitty relationships in my life. And?? How does that help?  And so on. In this period of recovery, I'm done with surface level stuff. These words all mean something and I have a strong urge to break through the bullshit a...

Things currently in place to help my recovery: Regular doctor Acupuncturist/Chinese herbalist (weekly) Weekly therapist  Weekly addiction recovery group Bi-weekly women's group Reading, journaling, podcasts, reflecting, learning how to be mindful, learning how to breathe On my "list" to add or get back to: Regular aerobic exercise (aka, peloton bike) Restorative yoga Weight training

On Tuesday, Nov. 1, 2022 I reached my limit. It had been building for a few months and I finally hit the wall on my way to work that morning. The closer I got to school, the more my anxiety increased. Something had to change or I was going to totally lose my sh*t at work. And so, unbeknownst to me at the time, that morning was the beginning.  I've been seeing a counselor for years. I know the lingo and the importance of uncovering your past in order to see how it affects you today. Don't stifle things, let it out, identify the root cause, address it, move on. Sounds easy. If it was easy, I should be all better now, obv.  But I'm not, so something must be wrong with me.  My anxiety and depression was spiraling. I did not want to get deeper into the dark hole. I still don't want to. That place sucks, badly.  This is how I'm battling it, how I'm fighting to get me back. **I'm not silly enough or cocky enough to think that what I have to say is so life-changing ...