Being mindful.

I'm on a medical leave from work. It was a tough decision to make and I had no idea of what to expect during this time. My anxiety and depression and overwhelm were too much and I didn't want to lose it all together one day at work (which felt like it was coming). So with support, I took the leave.

If I was on leave because of a physical health medical condition, it would be totally accepted and no one (including me) would bat an eye. But because it's a mental health medical condition, it feels different. Like weakness or crazy or not ok or whatever. Like it has to be secret or hidden, something to be embarrassed about. The public stigma of mental health. So it feels vulnerable for me to share. But whatev, I'm doing it. Taking a risk. Maybe it will help someone who reads this. At the very least, I'm owning it and doing my part to work at ending the stigma. To make it be ok and understood. Mental health is every bit as important and real as any physical health condition. Anyway, I digress.

One thing I'm working on is mindfulness. My therapist (I'll call him T) has been mentioning this for a while and I've actually tried it in the past. I didn't really get it, so I didn't practice it too many times and just basically dismissed it. I didn't really see the point of it.

To be mindful means to notice and observe, to be fully aware of the present. 

One time T suggested I practice mindfulness while eating. Be aware of the food in my mouth. The texture, the taste, how it feels while I chew, how quickly I chew and swallow, where the food moves in my mouth as I chew. Notice all of this. 

So I did it a few times and although it was interesting, I was quickly bored and wondered what the point was. It felt dumb and I had no idea how doing this would help.

Another time T suggested I lay on the floor or my bed or sit in a chair and notice things. Do this a couple of times a day. Be aware of my physical sensations and feelings. I was like, what? I don't get it. And again, why? How does this help? So after a couple of tries, I was done with that also.

I hear the words "be mindful" all the time. So I try to do so, for a few seconds. Oh, yeah, be mindful. 

Now I want to understand the point of it. I want to practice it. It's got to mean something other than be aware and notice things. 

So we started again. A few times a day, be still and notice. Notice my physical sensations, my feelings (emotions), and my thoughts. 

I feel the weight of the MacBook on my lap. I feel my dog next to me. I feel the pressure of the coffee table under my feet. I feel the blanket on my bare feet. I feel my hair tucked behind my ears. I feel me clenching my teeth and jaw. I feel the itch on my leg. I feel the waistband of my pants. I feel the material of my shirt on my arms. I feel a little queasy in my stomach. I feel anxious. I hope my dexa scan shows good results today. I wonder if it's a mistake to share this with people. I hope my mom is having a good morning.

Stuff like that. I'm not sure I'm doing it right. T says I am. The point of being mindful is to simply to take the time to notice things. To become aware of ourselves. The more I can practice this and be aware, the better. The importance of being aware and observing is because then I will be able to really notice something when it comes up. Like oh, I'm feeling overwhelmed right now, or angry. Or whoa, my face is getting hot and I feel a pit in my stomach. What am I thinking right now?

When I have that awareness, the next step will be to use tools to address those things. 

I'm not at the "using tools" part yet. Maybe I'll talk about that at my next therapy appointment. Also, it's not like I'll conquer this and then be done with being mindful. T says he's been practicing mindfulness for like ten years and he still falters and has to work on it. 

So I'm trying to be intentional with it a few times a day. I don't fully understand it, but I'm practicing. It's hard work. 

Just one thing I'm doing in my recovery.