Buzz Words

Mindful. Self-care. Breathe. Trigger. Let it go. Self-talk. Be in the present. You can only control yourself, not others. Get to the root of it. SEL (social emotional learning). Meditate.

So many words we've all heard. That I've heard. Be mindful? Ok, cool. Thanks, I'll do that. Be sure to practice self-care! Got it. On top of all the things I have to do and feel overwhelmed with, I'll be sure to take that bubble bath. Breathe. Duh, I breathe all the time. Let it go. Ohhhh, let it go. Ok, yeah, I'll do that. Teaching SEL to students is so important. Check (never mind that I don't really get how to do so). Get to the root of why you feel the way you do, discover where that's coming from. Yeah, I know where it's coming from, from shitty relationships in my life. And?? How does that help? 

And so on.

In this period of recovery, I'm done with surface level stuff. These words all mean something and I have a strong urge to break through the bullshit and really understand them. Just hearing them and thinking, "Yeah, ok, I'll do that," isn't cutting it. I've been trying to heal for years. Decades, really. And I've been wondering why I'm not getting better. Like I'll get better for a bit, but then the same shit comes back (it never really went away), and here I go again, right back in it. But each time it's a little deeper into the descent of the dark place, a little more intense. It's frustrating and debilitating. It's gotta change.