Getting Me Back

I've been feeling guilty and also a bit of shame about taking a medical leave. Rationally and intellectually I know it's ok. Emotionally and irrationally? Guilt and shame. I feel guilty about not being at work. I'm letting my students down. I'm a bad teacher. I feel bad about not contributing to the culture and environment at my school. I'm fearful my job won't be there for me. My colleagues are annoyed. They have stress, too. What makes me so special? Deal with, Miller. Get your shit together and get over yourself. So, what do I do? Read. And read. And read some more. (And talk to my therapist, which happens in precisely 6 hours and 17 minutes.)  The more I read, the more I learn about what I've been battling for many, many years. That knowledge is comforting. Turns out, I'm not alone after all. Better days are coming. Getting me back. Here are some resources about guilt and shame and depression: https://psychcentral.com/depression/overcoming-guilt-in-d

I think what is so interesting is that this disease almost works against you. Like it's a mental health sickness. So when I wonder why others don't feel this way and how it must be that they in fact DON'T feel this way, I have to remind myself that others are not sick. Like their brain doesn't fuck with them like mine does. So when I get really tired or want to be quiet or feel like it's better if I'm alone or have no motivation or determine what I think others must be thinking of me, that's the anxiety and depression talking, the trauma from my youth that resurfaces. When I get overwhelmed and I can't explain it to others and I feel silly or weak or wonder what's wrong with me, that's the stupid disease. It's a battle. Like the very nature of it works agains you. Know what I mean? Maybe you don't. I hope you don't.  I first was diagnosed with GAD in Dec of 2012 after I had "heart attacks" for a week straight. Right after

This has been a week of good days mixed in with the not so good. Sandy Hook ten year date. Small Christmas celebration with my women's group. Hard day with Allie. Thursday night Seahawk game and time in Seattle on Friday. The awful death of tWitch. A rough conversation. Nice housewarming at friend's new home. Another hard day with my mom on Sunday. Laughter and sadness.  Acupuncture, therapist appointment, lots of reading and thinking. I read The Four Agreements . I'll be starting it again soon and wrapping my brain around each of the agreements and what they mean to me. I started What Happened to You written by Oprah and Dr. Perry. It's very good and has several things that resonate with me and I'm only on page 64. Practicing my breathing and being mindful. Pinpointing the trigger or the root of different reactions to events I've had this week. Two opportunities for me to practice a boundary. Setting boundaries when I'm not used to it feels mean and selfis

The Crown , Season 3 Episode 7 “Moondust” These were my thoughts while watching this episode and then immediately after it was over. It was about two weeks ago that I watched. Hmm. Prince Philip and the landing on the moon. Prince Philip is glued to the tv, watching everything he can about the moon landing. He was jealous of the astronauts, that they had made it to the moon, they had seen it, God’s glory, his wonderful masterpiece. And yet they found nothing. They didn’t seem to appreciate their feat. The Prince wanted them to share with him this wonderful awareness they’d experienced. The answer to life, the purpose, the meaning. The Prince met with them and was saddened to realize there was nothing extraordinary about them (the astronauts). He wanted to know their perspective, their learnings, their discovery of the meaning of life. The astronauts had none of that. They didn’t have the experience Prince Philip so badly wanted them to have - he wanted to live vicariously through them.

I'm on a medical leave from work. It was a tough decision to make  and I had no idea of what to expect during this time. My anxiety and depression and overwhelm were too much and I didn't want to lose it all together one day at work (which felt like it was coming). So with support, I took the leave. If I was on leave because of a physical health medical condition, it would be totally accepted and no one (including me) would bat an eye. But because it's a mental health medical condition, it feels different. Like weakness or crazy or not ok or whatever. Like it has to be secret or hidden, something to be embarrassed about. The public stigma of mental health. So it feels vulnerable for me to share. But whatev, I'm doing it. Taking a risk. Maybe it will help someone who reads this. At the very least, I'm owning it and doing my part to work at ending the stigma. To make it be ok and understood. Mental health is every bit as important and real as any physical health condi

Mindful. Self-care. Breathe. Trigger. Let it go. Self-talk. Be in the present. You can only control yourself, not others. Get to the root of it. SEL (social emotional learning). Meditate. So many words we've all heard. That I've heard. Be mindful? Ok, cool. Thanks, I'll do that. Be sure to practice self-care! Got it. On top of all the things I have to do and feel overwhelmed with, I'll be sure to take that bubble bath. Breathe . Duh, I breathe all the time. Let it go . Ohhhh, let it go. Ok, yeah, I'll do that. Teaching SEL to students is so important . Check (never mind that I don't really get how to do so). Get to the root of why you feel the way you do, discover where that's coming from. Yeah, I know where it's coming from, from shitty relationships in my life. And?? How does that help?  And so on. In this period of recovery, I'm done with surface level stuff. These words all mean something and I have a strong urge to break through the bullshit a