It's a process.

 It's been a couple of weeks since I've written here. Oopsies. When I was here last, I was feeling guilty and even shameful about taking a medical leave. 

Eh, that feeling has passed. Since then my doctor recommended I extend my leave, which I've done. So my leave is now through Feb. 13 and my return date to school is Feb. 27 (good 'ol mid-winter break in there). 

Now I'm feeling grateful for the opportunity to be able to take this time to care for myself. Turns out that 22+ years of accrued sick time comes in handy. (See? There's a benefit to repeated failed fertility treatments which meant that I didn't take maternity leave or need to take multiple sick days over the years to take care of my own sick children. How's that for seeing the positive in a negative situation??)

The past three years have been a nightmare. Covid, the government lockdown, the end of the 2019/2020 school year online, the entirety of the 2020/2021 school year online (minus the last quarter of hybrid teaching which was additional crazy-making), the 2021/2022 school year with the high number of student absences and no due dates and relaxed grading and my own two covid illnesses, and then the beginning of the 2022/2023 school year with new admin, new teaching structure (this business called co-teach) and the severe lack of available and qualified subs. I recognize that it's been a nightmare for so, so many, but . . . this is my experience.

Add to that my mom's increased mental decline. Or decreased mental cognition? However you say it, it sucks. She has dementia and Alzheimer's disease (Alzheimer's is just one cause of dementia) and it is a horrifying and horrible disease. I had no idea what it all entailed until I found myself in the middle of it. Holy shit. It's not just forgetting things like facts and life memories. It's forgetting how to stand up, not knowing what the kleenex is for or what it is or where it is (on her lap), not know where she is or where she sleeps, not being able to dress or shower or complete bathroom tasks by herself, lack of reading for pleasure, and so on and so on and so on. Her care is exhausting, both mentally and physically. And spiritually. I cannot imagine taking care of her on my own; my sister and I are truly lucky to have each other. But, dang.

So, I hit my limit in November. Done-zo. And like I said, I was able to apply for leave and get myself out of there before I completely and totally lost it while at work.

Since then it's been a roller-coaster, ups and downs, ebbs and flows, good days and bad days. The most recent bad day was this past Sunday. I had horrible nightmares the night before (like kicking and shouting out nightmares) and my mom was in the hospital from a fall the day before. No physical injuries, but real low blood pressure and high, high confusion. The effect of the nightmares were bad. The desire to drink was high. Sitting outside on the covered deck with a blanket and bottle of red wine sounded heavenly. I could feel and taste the wine, the desire was so strong. I didn't drink. 

Yesterday was roughish too, although by the late afternoon it was better. The bad days and low feelings had passed and I made it through. Today I was back to reading and reflecting and meditating and exercising (well, cycling class is at 11:00, but it's scheduled!). 

If you haven't read The Four Agreements, do so. If you haven't read What Happened to You, do so. The four agreements are be impeccable with your word, always try your best, don't take things personally, and don't make assumptions. At first I was like, I'm sure. Oh, just do these four things and everything is magical. Be impeccable with your word?? Strive to always say the correct thing and never misspeak? Get real. But then I started reading and that's not what it means. It means to be impeccable with your self-talk, the things you say to yourself. All those negative self talk patterns that I engage in. Negatively blaming and judging yourself. Change that. Be impeccable with how you talk to yourself. Ahhh, that makes sense. So I continued reading and was more and more intrigued and into it. Actually, I'm in the middle of rereading it so I can look at all my notes I took in the margins of the pages. It's good. 

And the other book? Fascinating. I mean, if you're into that stuff. Stuff like why do we think and behave the way we do? Where did those thoughts and behaviors and beliefs and conditions come from? So much more to the book than my little synopsis here, but it's very good. And also worth a re-read. 

Now I'm reading Jay Shetty's book Think Like a Monk. I'm only on page 68. It takes me a while to read it because I'm constantly stopping to take notes and look things up. Plus I can only read the content for a little bit because there is too much to contemplate and process and reflect on. 

I go to recovery group every week. It's really something how different things apply the further into my sober life that I get. Like buzz words from before are now starting to make sense. I wasn't ready for certain things before, but now I am. 

I go to a counseling/therapist appt once a week. Thank God for that. Yesterday I felt better after it and nothing really exciting or note-worthy happened while I was there, but it was just a chance to be heard. 

I do acupuncture once a week. The needles are placed for anxiety or energy or shoulder/back pain or calmness or stress or whatever else needs attention. I drink Chinese herbs 3x a day based on what my body needs. 

I got a massage last Friday just to treat myself to some relaxing time. When she was done, that massage therapist said she really thinks I should go weekly to address the high tension and tightness in my neck, shoulders, upper back, and even down my arms. She said she like to spend an hour strictly in those areas to try to loosen it up. Not relaxing, but more of the deep tissue type stuff. My first appt. is tomorrow. 

I go to my women's group every other Wednesday. Dude, it's a life saver. I'm grateful for it each time, even on days that I don't really want to go.

Words/terms like breathing, meditation, mindfulness, being present, impermanence, amygdala, sympathetic and parasympathetic, positive affirmations, journaling, balance, nourish, agreements, fight or flight or freeze or fawn, detach, and trauma are becoming more and more familiar. I hear them in my therapy and in my readings. Like I hear or come across the same words in multiple places.

On the good days, I remember these things. I acknowledge where I am and where I've come from. I appreciate what I have. I can practice what I'm learning. 

But holy sh*t, the bad days are there. Like Sunday and yesterday. And when I'm in the middle of one (or several), it sucks. No motivation. No joy. Just . . . blah and negative thoughts. 

Hopefully those bad days are fewer and farther between, and they aren't as low. I'll be able to acknowledge (and greet!) them for what they are: shitty days that will pass. 

Thanks for reading this far. My peloton class starts in 21 minutes. Gotta get ready.

Getting me back.