Getting Me Back

  It's been a couple of weeks since I've written here. Oopsies. When I was here last, I was feeling guilty and even shameful about taking a medical leave.  Eh, that feeling has passed. Since then my doctor recommended I extend my leave, which I've done. So my leave is now through Feb. 13 and my return date to school is Feb. 27 (good 'ol mid-winter break in there).  Now I'm feeling grateful for the opportunity to be able to take this time to care for myself. Turns out that 22+ years of accrued sick time comes in handy. (See? There's a benefit to repeated failed fertility treatments which meant that I didn't take maternity leave or need to take multiple sick days over the years to take care of my own sick children. How's that for seeing the positive in a negative situation??) The past three years have been a nightmare. Covid, the government lockdown, the end of the 2019/2020 school year online, the entirety of the 2020/2021 school year online (minus the la

I've been feeling guilty and also a bit of shame about taking a medical leave. Rationally and intellectually I know it's ok. Emotionally and irrationally? Guilt and shame. I feel guilty about not being at work. I'm letting my students down. I'm a bad teacher. I feel bad about not contributing to the culture and environment at my school. I'm fearful my job won't be there for me. My colleagues are annoyed. They have stress, too. What makes me so special? Deal with, Miller. Get your shit together and get over yourself. So, what do I do? Read. And read. And read some more. (And talk to my therapist, which happens in precisely 6 hours and 17 minutes.)  The more I read, the more I learn about what I've been battling for many, many years. That knowledge is comforting. Turns out, I'm not alone after all. Better days are coming. Getting me back. Here are some resources about guilt and shame and depression: https://psychcentral.com/depression/overcoming-guilt-in-d

I think what is so interesting is that this disease almost works against you. Like it's a mental health sickness. So when I wonder why others don't feel this way and how it must be that they in fact DON'T feel this way, I have to remind myself that others are not sick. Like their brain doesn't fuck with them like mine does. So when I get really tired or want to be quiet or feel like it's better if I'm alone or have no motivation or determine what I think others must be thinking of me, that's the anxiety and depression talking, the trauma from my youth that resurfaces. When I get overwhelmed and I can't explain it to others and I feel silly or weak or wonder what's wrong with me, that's the stupid disease. It's a battle. Like the very nature of it works agains you. Know what I mean? Maybe you don't. I hope you don't.  I first was diagnosed with GAD in Dec of 2012 after I had "heart attacks" for a week straight. Right after